Setting Boundaries

no is a complete sentence

How many times have you caught yourself saying, “NO, but . . .” then going on to give a reason (or several) to explain why you are saying NO?

Over the years, we (especially women) have been expected--even trained--to say YES to everything. How many of these scenarios sound familiar to you?

• Hosting an event at your house even when the even could just as easily be held in a public place.
• Serving on a committee at your child’s school even when you work a full-time job.
• Attending a function with your spouse that you have zero interest in.
• Skipping the gym or yoga class or meditation session because you feel an obligation to someone else comes first.

While at times, we may WANT to say YES to one of these situations--because it does bring you joy. But when you host or serve or attend or skip because you simply uncomfortable or conditioned to say NO, that is when setting boundaries becomes an invaluable practice.

Setting strong personal boundaries has become something of a buzzword in personal development work--so many of us believe that we then should say No to everything. Or have very strict rules that we follow inflexibly. At times, these kind of boundaries may be needed, mostly we are in need of guidelines that follow our values so that we are staying true to our authentic selves when we say YES or NO.

As women move into midlife and beyond, our wants and needs and desires--even our core values--can change. We may feel that we should say YES more often because we have more time. Or that we want to make new connections. Or that we have grown accustomed to putting everyone else first. Taking time to reevaluate what we truly want at this time in life will help us set boundaries that support us in saying NO--and ridding ourselves of the guilt that goes along with putting ourselves first instead.

start the process

Setting effective boundaries and releasing guilt is a process--not a task that you can complete in one sitting. However, I have a simple four-step practice that you can use to get you started on your way.

1. Write down FOUR values that are important to you at this moment. Only four--and don’t overthink this--you can always change your list or add more later.
2. Pick ONE (and only one) of these values. Take 3 minutes to write about what this value means to you in the present.
3. From your journaling, create an affirmation that supports you in saying NO to anything that is not true to your value.
4. Practice saying your affirmation aloud (yes out loud!) so you are ready the next time you want to say NO--and stick to your decision.

Here is my example!

I choose to make healthy meals at home and say NO to unhealthy takeout meals.

As I am getting older, I am finding the value of eating according to my body’s needs while taking advantage of local and seasonal foods that make my body (and mind) feel good. However, I so often give in to quick takeout meals when I am bus or tired. Developing a boundary around choosing healthy food options will support me in choices I make today as well as benefit my overall health as I age. Does this mean that I will always say NO to take out? Of course not. But I will consider my choices much more carefully--and find balance when I do say YES.

Creating an affirmation to support a boundary is the first step in releasing the guilt as well. As you support yourself and your values with affirmative talk with yourself, you become more and more comfortable with saying NO--with no buts. Remember, NO is a complete sentence!